The Ramerican Outpost

What the fuck am I doing?

Okay, I finally got this girl on my arm and heading towards my bedroom…For fuck’s sake, stop following me and trying to break into my room! I had to wedge a door stop under my door just to keep you guys out!

Oh, and Dad…thanks for being surprisingly chill when you found your naked son on top of a naked girl in your bedroom.

Oh and Syriana…please stop surfing /b when I’m bumping uglies with you. However, it’s strangely hot.

Christine, I think? It was a blurry dream. I ran into you on campus. I was pretty drunk and you were sober, but you were okay with that. You were tall for a lady and cute short hair. I think you really liked my Timbers jersey. You wanted my number, so you handed me your ipad and I couldn’t figure out how to use it. You were still giggling and didn’t seem to care :)

Too bad that was all a dream.

Too bad not many people think I’m worth their’s. 

I feel like I can’t rely on anybody, provide for anybody, or even provide for myself.

It’s quite the shitty feeling.

I’m just going to curl up in a ball and try to burn it off.

How I feel when any girl describes themselves as a “Country Girl.”

…but I’m the biggest Comic-book bandwagoner ever. I’m ashamed of it. I watch the films and people think I know what I’m talking about. I haven’t read a single comic book in my life. It’s just one of those things I wish I could do if I had more time :(

Me and the Green Fairy, all night long.

Add this to my bucket list.

I think you’re really special when I can’t string together a conversation with you. I want to get to know you more, but I’m self-conscious about every word that comes out of my mouth. You’re not someone that I could imagine steamrolling and leaving you in the dust. I haven’t felt this way for a while. I thought I could never deal with looking with someone in the eyes the morning after, but now I think I can. 

This would be more poetic if I’ve actually done something with my life.

It’s probably just another farce, but that’s just my natural pessimism.

God, it feels awkward sharing this with strangers…but I trust you guys! It’s about my parent’s divorce and my progression of character over the past couple years. Enjoy!

                I was eighteen and nothing seemed wrong at all. Fresh off my first year at college, I moved back in to my family home for the summer. I lived with my loving mother, my boisterous sisters, and my stern father. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own comfortable bed, having my mom cook for me, and just being in familiar surroundings.  After getting settled back in to my family home, I noticed something was slightly different. My father was a whole lot more defensive than I remembered. My mom was very busy with many different volunteer groups. Most of the time, my father was home more often than my mom. I didn’t have a car at the time, so I would ask to borrow his. Around 90% of the time he said no, usually citing a flimsy excuse. Back before college, he wouldn’t mind at all if I wanted to borrow his car. If I wanted to visit my friends, I had to either get a ride or wait for my mom to get home. This seemed like an odd move by my father to establish control over me. I noticed that my home had changed.

                After a year at college, my friends had changed too. People I went to church with were drinking booze and smoking weed regularly. I was tethered down to a beautiful girl named Sam. She was against the idea of partying. So to increase my chances of nailing down a relationship, I abstained. I sat in judgment of my friends; I looked down them from my mentally constructed moral high ground. This felt like the correct position to take at the time.

                The night before I moved back to Corvallis, my life was flipped upside-down. Driving home from church, my sisters received a text from my father. “Mom left, she’s very mad. I’m worried about her.” I arrived home and called my mom immediately, she didn’t answer. Seeing her car parked in the driveway, I assumed she left on foot. I drove around for an hour, looking for her. As the sun set, I called her one more time. Her friend, Pam answered the phone. “She’s safe with us, dear. You don’t have to worry about your mum.”

                My heart was beating furiously; I was soaked in a mixture of tears and sweat. I didn’t know what to do. I sat down for a minute and thought out my next move. Noticing my packed bags, I decided to move down to Corvallis that night. Without any help, I gathered up almost all my possessions and crammed them in the back of my mom’s SUV. I gave my sisters a kiss goodbye and told my father that I was leaving. Once I hit the road, I was emotionally falling apart.

                Driving down I-5, I was driving slowly in the right lane. I usually drive faster than the speed limit in the left lane. Fearing for the worst and holding back tears, I pulled off in Albany to call my mom. I still had no clue why she left in haste. She finally picked up the phone. My mom assured me she was fine and informed me that she was going to get a divorce. My mom discovered a Safeway receipt for a bottle of wine, lubricant, and condoms. The club card name was in her friend’s maiden name.  She later went on to tell me that my father confessed to sleeping with her best friend, and many other women. My emotions were a mix of fury and sadness. I looked up to my father as a role model, and seeing hurt my mom felt like a serrated blade slicing my body to pieces. I realized that the solid foundation of my family had just collapsed, all normality ceased to exist. I was reduced to a blubbering mess.

                I called Sam, knowing she could always comfort me. “Everything will be okay, David”, she assured me. I finally told her that I was in love with her for the past year. At the time, I thought I could develop a deep relationship with her. I thought she was “the one.”  “I need you to be with me tonight, you mean so much to me”, I pled.   “I love you too David, but not like that. I don’t want a relationship with anybody right now.” I immediately hung up the phone and bawled.  Cutting myself off from two people I loved was too much for one night.

                I gathered my emotions up and continued on to Corvallis. It was one in the morning when I arrived at my new house. I noticed the lights were on and my roommates were already moved in. I told my roommates of my situation, and they were more than glad to help me move in. I hastily assembled my bed and passed out.

                When I woke up, I called my mom immediately.  She told me of my father’s emotional and mental hell he placed her in after I left for college. I love my mom, and never want to see anyone hurt her. I wanted to murder my father. I have lost all respect for him. Feeling discontent, I called Sam once again. She didn’t answer her phone, or reply to my messages.

                I was mad at almost everyone that I relied on for comfort. I needed to progress out of this stagnant life. My roommates were throwing a house warming party, and I was planning on staying in my room the whole time. Aspiring to change, I went downstairs to have my first drink. After a few more drinks, I felt amazing. I met a lot of new friends, and realized that I was living in a fantasy world that doesn’t exist anymore.  I didn’t need Sam, or my father.

                After a summer of change, I came to the second realization that I didn’t have a family anymore. I only on speaking-terms my mom.  She doesn’t have any living extended family, so nobody else to lean on. My father ordered my sisters not to talk to my mom or I. I couldn’t believe that my father would wall off my sisters from the rest of the family. I only had a few people I could talk to about the biggest event in my life.

As the divorce wore on, problems for my mom arose. She was still living under the same roof as my father, but barricaded herself in my old bedroom. She didn’t have any money to spend on food or any other needs. My mom’s friend, Pam found a job for her.

She worked at a collections agency, until she eventually saved up enough money to move out. My supportive friends and I helped her move out while my father was at work. Pam’s next door neighbors moved out and were desperately trying to sell their house. They negotiated a rental agreement that my mother could afford.  My mom moved in to her new house a week before Christmas. I bought her ornaments from the dollar store, and a tree. We spent Christmas together, relived that we were safe from my father.

I got a new phone number and started to talk to my sisters. Apparently my father painted a façade of lies around them. They were told that our mom was overreacting to nothing. There was no mention of my father’s lack of sexual self-control, especially with one of their best friend’s mothers.  It sounded like my father brainwashed them. They later left my father, and moved in with our mom.

Recently, my parent’s divorce was finalized. My mom made off with thousands of dollars, and my father was left with almost nothing. My sisters rarely talk to my father, and help out my mom with anything she needs. I haven’t spoke to my father since I left that night in June. I’ve had to learn to become a proper older brother very quickly. I’ve also realized that it was a mistake walling myself off from people for asinine reasons. Learning not to discriminate against people that have make different personal choices, I’ve reestablished great friendships, and met many new friends. It’s only been two years, but I felt like I’ve gained a decade of life experience. My whole world changed, and I changed along with it. If I didn’t adapt, I would be in a worse place. The settlement declared that I’ll take ownership of my father’s car. I don’t need his permission to leave anymore. 

is surrounding my shit self. What do?

• Clean
• Be disappointed
• Realize everything is okay
• Be disappointed again
• Celebrate
• Bike 4 miles sober
• Meet new people
• Play beer pong with a frenchman
• Say “le” about 10,304,329 times
• Save a lady friend from being groped by strangers
• Bike 4 miles drunk
• Eat delicious mexican food (technically it’s not St. Paddy’s day)
• Bother Romanian people
• Pass the fuck ou…

Last Saturday Night At the party. Kelly, Sitting Facing that Violet tree, Staring at me.  I’m getting closer, She stands up. Caresses Slowly My face. I’m happy, she said. 

It’s what I saw when I went home. I’ve thought about doing what she did so often back at Sprague. After thinking about how to do it, I always thought of how everybody would react. I thought I was going to be some hero/legend figure, but now I’m realizing that all I would do is hurt everybody around me.

I’ve been there, I know what it feels like…minus that last, irreversible part. Looking back, high school social culture is asinine…unless you’re in high school, then it’s all you know. That one person that gives you shit all the time? They’re nothing. They’re a failure and just trying to bring you down with them. Keep your head down and push through to the next stage of life, one that actually counts. 

Cheers, Dana.